Always Winter, Never Christmas.
You can't control your child but you can control yourself
“Always winter, never Christmas”
I read to our kids at bedtime.
A couple of years ago, we read through The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, which took, in the voice of Smalls from The Sandlot, “foreeeevvvvverrrr”. Our kids loved it, and we didn’t watch the movies until after we had finished the books so there was motivation and excitement. In fact, our oldest boy created a whole stop motion YouTube channel where he basically created every scene from the Lord of the Rings books in stop motion.
Lately I’ve been reading the Narnia series, and we just finished The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. One of the lines that stands out to me is just four words, but communicates so much: Always winter, never Christmas.
These four simple words are the effect the White Witch has had over the land of Narnia. It’s cold, desolate, and there’s never anything to look forward to.
Always winter, never Christmas.
Does your parenting feel like this?
A constant drudgery.
Corrections.
Meltdowns.
Negotiations & battles.
Losing your cool when you had every intention today to actually hold it together.
Resorting to “Fine!”
Yelling when you meant to take a deep breath before responding.
You’re not broken…this is normal but doesn’t have to be your norm.
If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of losing it or giving in, there’s a reason: You don’t have a standard way of responding (with your words, actions, and emotions) when things go sideways. So every hard moment becomes its own crisis, and you’re improvising under pressure every single time.
Here’s the hard truth: the climate in your home is set by you. Not your kids. You.
You can’t control them. But you can control yourself.
That’s not a guilt trip. It’s actually one of the most empowering (and hard) things about parenting. Because it means the path from always winter to Christmas doesn’t run through your kids changing. It runs through you.
I talk with a lot of parents that want the quick trick for the specific behavioral issue, (putting on socks, getting in the van, not coming out of their room) and instead we spend our time coming up with a game plan that works each time from toddlers to teens.
It goes by a lot of names these days, but it’s authoritative parenting. Authoritative parenting is a style of parenting that is high in warmth and high in structure. It’s not actually between permissive and authoritarian. It’s not overly gentle or focused exclusively on maintaining the peace at all costs.
So what does this actually look like?
“Be warm” sounds nice but it doesn’t tell you what to do at 7pm when your four-year-old is melting down over the wrong color cup, your ten-year-old is rolling their eyes at everything you say, and your teenager has been in their room since they got home from school.
The toddler.
You don’t fix the cup situation. You take a breath, you get down at her level and you stay calm. “You really wanted the blue cup. I know that. We have the red one tonight.” Then you hold it. They cry. You stay warm. You don’t match their chaos with yours. That regulated, present, unhurried version of you — that’s what teaches them their feelings are survivable.
The school-aged kid.
The eye roll is an invitation to react. Most parents take it. They get sharp, they lecture, they make the moment about respect. But what your ten-year-old actually needs is a parent who doesn’t take the bait. Who stays curious instead of defensive. “You seem frustrated. What’s going on?” Sometimes they’ll tell you. Sometimes they won’t. But the consistency of a parent who stays warm and doesn’t crumble or retaliate, that’s what builds the relationship that makes them come to you when something actually matters.
The teenager.
The closed door is the hardest one. You can’t force connection with a teenager. Every parent learns this the hard way. But you can stay present without being intrusive. You can knock and ask if they want a snack. You can say “I’m around if you want to talk” without standing there waiting for an answer. You can hold expectations clearly — dinner together, phones downstairs at night, grades matter — while staying genuinely interested in who they’re becoming. The warmth has to be real. Teenagers can smell performance from a mile away. They don’t need you to be cool. They need you to be consistent and safe.
This is hard…but it makes all the difference.
When your child sees you as a consistent presence with warmth and expectations, they feel safe. It removes the uncertainty of not knowing how you'll respond The consistency of expectations makes it clear that their words or behaviors won’t make you give in or blow up.
My advice: pick one time of day to put these into practice. Mornings, after school, or bedtime and start with just one time of day to show up with warmth and structure. Decide on the specific pain point at that time of day and spend a week focusing your energy on showing up differently. You will see a difference but it’ll take time for your child to realize they can trust you and you mean what you say.
Next week I’m starting my next Authoritative Parenting Study Group — a small group for parents who want to actually put this into practice with support and guidance along the way.
If that’s you, grab your spot here: https://apsg.drphilboucher.com
What’s working for you right now? What’s not? Comment below.
